for my colleagues who question my absence and my friends who are curious of my lack of presence at parties.

28 aug 2025

what happened?

i was diagnosed with central neurocytoma (cn) in oct 2024 aka a brain tumour. i've had 1 brain surgery and 1 radiotherapy in nov and dec respectively; the scar is pretty small and almost unapparent with my hair now. cn is a darn rare benign brain tumour that has affected hundreds of people globally and historically. there're 8.2 billion people alive globally now, so you do the math haha. idk if i won a lottery ticket or something else. most would say the latter, but i'm slightly convinced it's the former because it solidified some of my beliefs and evolved most of my perspectives in life. if you'd know me close enough, you'd have found me slightly different from the rest as i've always been. i'd even shamelessly deemed myself unique instead of weird haha. this experience has elevated those elements and i'm proud to say that i'm even weirder now than before, or unique-er. idiosyncratic. whatever the word is.

i'm not going to lie, the experience was painful and distorting, literally. the first 5-6 months, my balance and many symptoms were problematic for myself and an inconvenience to others. these days, my stability and symptoms have improved and i only experience disequilibrium briefly and seldom. it's like being on a yacht daily. such a luxurious experience, wouldn't you agree? but the discomfort has taught me many things. i won't get into the details with all that i've learnt and experienced but i'll just brush on some that i think you'd need to know if you're meeting me in person.

now what?

i had dinner mid august in the evening, as all dinners should be, with some dear friends. i was medically recommended to socialise more often to get used to the environment and its stimuli. we ate at a relatively crowded place and i was alright. i stuck around for about 2 hours and my friends sent me home. i thought i had a great night and was tired from that short — but long for me — engagement, so i fell well asleep. the following day, i woke up with an influx of ideas running through my head. i later found out that i was overstimulated from the environment and due to new blood supply, it's normal to experience such overwhelming sensations.

i found this picture from a friend that i met through writing anonymously on substack in july. it doesn't belong to her and idk who it belongs to, but credit to him or her for the photo.

the photo is a part of what's like in my brain now. but imagine more floors, not just upwards like a regular building, but in different directions, filled with the same amount of materials and more. most books and pages are scribbled, indiscernible; some are blank; the rest are at least logical. but the logical ones are spread around at different floors, at different directions. which makes it difficult for me to collate them all and organise them into a sentence. to speak. to communicate. sometimes, i lack the energy to speak. sometimes, i lack the speaking speed to catch up with my thoughts, leaving me gasping for air; almost breathless. i'm seeing a speech therapist on 4th sep so i guess that would help me.

what i'm doing these days

these days, i'm still somewhat overstimulated since that dinner. i need an outlet to relieve the thoughts in my head, and since i can't speak well yet, i've started to direct those thoughts into ideas by starting websites and writing. on days that my thoughts get too unruly, i either read slowly or simply meditate. i find meditation helpful in those situations to calm myself for at least 10-15mins after. just enough time to tidy my ideas and focus on my "work".

i still get drowsy in the day due to my medications, disequilibrium when i walk sometimes, slight speech impairments, occasional muscle twitches, and other symptoms that are too boring to explain unless you're a doctor. i'm expected to recover by oct/nov, unsure if the drowsiness would affect my daily work life but my neurosurgeon says i'll eventually adapt.

what's next for me

the tumour is still in my brain, about 1.1cm x 0.9cm. it's still dying from the radiosurgery done in dec 2024 apparently, according to the last mri done in mid july 2025 and interpreted by my neurosurgeon. i like to tell people that i have a broken brain now so it's easier for me to get away from situations. other than that, i live as you do. i can't be productive in normal terms for now so i'm working whenever i can. i've watched too many dramas and movies while recuperating in the past months so i'd rather spend my time learning, writing, or creating now. i started living my life without any plans for myself since my energy levels for each day is different.

a life plan or goal is a bit useless for me now since i've already experienced an unforeseeable hiccup aka my current illness that has disrupted my plans. i prefer living with constraints now, it's easier for me: don't do this, don't do that, avoid this, avoid that. the list is shorter than one would think; and it opens up for more opportunities than one would assume. i recommend this way of living for those healthy. it's simply avoiding the bad habits and worst outcomes. it's very liberating to simply live with less decisions to make and have fun. i'll figure something out for myself in the future if i'm not ready to return to work.

why i wrote this

i wrote this not to get pitied or to be felt sorry for so don't send me those sorrowful messages. i just wanted to give an update to those who have been curious; and provide an explanation to people whom i'll be meeting but too lazy to reiterate it haha. i don't want to be identified with this, but i guess most people will inevitably do.

my situation isn't any of your business to be honest. unless you're physically affected by it, i don't see why and how i need to make any amends with you. i believe i've made sufficient preparations beforehand to those physically affected.

don't pity, feel sorry, or worry for me. although the situation is tough, i'm tougher aplenty. i'll be writing more about my experience from an analysis lens sometime in the future.

if you want to meet

it'll be inconvenient for you but if you really want to: schedule a dinner with me at a small or quiet restaurant for now. send me the layout. preferably a private room but i'll do fine without in a less crowded place. no cigarette smells on you please, i'm a lot more sensitive to any sort of information these days because my brain is still recalibrating. it wouldn't be obvious to you because i'll look calmer than before. and i'll be unstable to walk after a rough car ride, so be prepared to assist me out of the car at the dinner place. simply lend me your shoulder or arm will do.

i'll get back to you on my availability. i'm still going for my physiotherapy and tcm acupuncture weekly, and the occasional neurosurgeon and rehab doctor trips. the only people that i'm willing to meet for now are friends to catch up with and discuss ideas.